Local Organic Vegan Gluten-Free Low-Carb Non-Fat NON-FOOD!!

Every time I come to the States, there is some new trend. Low fat. Then low carb. Then just substituting everything with everything. I remember opening my grandparents’ fridge in order to make an omelette. I was met by a carton of eggless eggs, fake, rubbery cheese and some pathetic butter lookalike.

Um… So what’s left?

The new trend seems to be “save the world and lose weight doing it”.

Before I make fun of this, let me tell you – I am more for it than against it. I have been a vegetarian since I was six. I try not to wear leather. I’m the kind of person who gets a kick out of farmer’s markets and grilled tofu. I am sure a lot of people would like to see me dead. And to see my remains eaten by an animal.

But something about this trend feels wrong – even for me.

I walked into a Whole Foods supermarket. I was overwhelmed and confused (as I am at every American supermarket) and somewhat disheartened. Do I want Kale chips… drenched in oil?) Do I want natural organic fair trade vegan super-nutritious… chocolate muffins? Granola bars that will enable me to climb, lift, fly and generally be superwoman*? I walked out of Whole Foods with a yogurt and berries – and an overflowing pile of plastic, paper and rubber bands for which I had no use. So much for saving the world.

*A word about those granola bars: What the hell?! Power Bars, Chewy Bars, Clif Bars, Odwalla Bars, Luna Bars, Lunatic Bars. They’re delicious, no doubt. But why can’t they just admit to the world that they are cookies dressed up in grown-up clothing? Why do we need those fake wrappers to make us feel healthy?


We buy food. Lots of it, because this is America. The Land of Too Much Stuff.

Then we eat it. Or, we pretend not to eat it (and then we eat it when it doesn’t count: when we’re standing, walking, talking on the phone or when no one else is looking).

Our bellies explode with food and guilt. Something must be done! Let’s buy some books! About weight loss! Let’s buy twenty! Then we’ll really know how to get fit!

Okay, reading, reading, reading….Hmm. Looks like we need to exercise.

Well, before we do something as drastic as that, we need to buy the gear. The calories don’t really burn unless we have Nike Air shoes, Lululemon shirts and Adidas shorts.

And then we should sign up for some classes (why do something free if you can pay money for it?). But then… after class… we’re famished. And we deserve something yummy. So we should buy some food. And now we’re back at the supermarket. I HATE THE SUPERMARKET!

But it’s okay. Because we’ll buy local. Organic. Wholesome and nutritious and good and delicious, just as long as it’s twice as expensive as the regular stuff and we can impress our friends when they come over and just feel wonderful about ourselves.

Let’s just buy some food – eat it and enjoy it? Let’s have our cake (with butter from a cow, eggs you have to crack and plain old flour) and eat it too!


7 thoughts on “Local Organic Vegan Gluten-Free Low-Carb Non-Fat NON-FOOD!!

    • Hey!
      If you can do it without it sucking the taste from your life and the nutrients from your body, that’s wonderful, and I’m sure it can make life simpler in some ways. I tried it for a few days and found it too restrictive for me.
      But thanks for stopping in on my blog! Hope to see you again…

  1. Great stuff! tell it like it is – and when you’re ready for some real food, come home for some Kaufmann Kremes – we only use real 38% butterfat cream.

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